What if enough is enough for me

 What if i actually like my life now

What if it feels like i dont need anything else

What if i already got everything i need right here, right now

People say

Have yourself a big family

House, kids, a swing in the garden

What if i say

I dont need all that

I'm fulfilled

I'm happy

I'm alive

Contentment comes in all sorts of currencies

 i used to be a strong, bulletproof bucket

now there are cracks everywhere

no matter how hard i try

it's impossible to keep all the water in

i was meant to be empty

barefoot at 4 a.m.

Some are near

Some are far

Some moved on

Some built a home

Some wanders

Some forgot

Some drifted away

and

some are in heaven.

---

In my mind,

we are always here

in this street,

running barefoot at 4 a.m.

if you really love me you would’ve killed me

,
coward.

keeping me alive just for the sake of your sanity

what am i but your prisoner?

angel tears as i beg for death

the ones my devils fear

fuck

i hate it when you scare them.

there’s nothing more painful than acting to be alive when you’re dead.

for the strong ones at broken places (2)

there will come a day

when we lie side by side

you will ask how my day was

and i ask how was yours.

we will share takeouts from my favorite Indian place

or whatever we finally decide to eat that night

after a long debate of where to eat

one thing that hasn't changed in years.

i will caress your hair when you're sick

feel your warmth as you fall asleep

a silence so peaceful

that has silenced my demons since your hello.

i will watch your chest go up and down as you breathe

and dissolve into dreams where i dont have to wish to meet you

there will come a day

when i don't have to reach for my phone as soon as i wake up

because good mornings are kisses

we will sit down and have pancakes

or whatever leftover that i reheat that morning

i will freeze for seconds to admire your messy hair.

no caffeine needed.

you will watch the news as you wait forever for me to finish my make up

you will say i look pretty without them

and i will say "aw thanks" and keep continuing putting stuff on my face anyway.

you will stare at me as i stare at my shoe rack

"they are all the same. they are all black."

"i know but they're different, you know."

years together and your sincere patience hasn't changed.

you will drop me off and i kiss you good bye

you will check your cheek for lipstick stain

and i will say "don't worry it's matte" as i go off

and damn, i miss you already.

and until that day comes

i will just keep pretending to be strong

i know these sleeping pills can't replace your presence

nothing and no one can.

i choose you as my poison.

red is the touch of your lips.
orange is the warmth of your hugs.
blue is the cold of your fingers wiping off my tears.
yellow is the joy you brought to my life.
green is the life you gave me.
purple is the strength you planted in my dying self.

now i realized why everything is in black and white

To Have Demons is a Privilege

i mean,
What’s so bad about it?
You will have visitors day and night.

Sure sometimes they make you want to kill yourself.
But hey, the “fun” in funeral?

Sure sometimes they come faster than good morning texts from your lover.
But hey, pain could be addictively romantic too.

Room so empty yet so crowded i can’t even get up and move.
Mind so empty yet so heavy i can’t even think.
Heart so whole yet so broken i can’t even function.

To The Heart That Screams Home.

Silent screams aren't new.
They are loud. The loudest.
Tough exterior just can't protect me from inner pain.

Where did she go?

Dancing Smoke

In the middle of a night so cold it could freeze fire,
she's crying to Lorde's Liability.
Burning lungs finally gave her the warmth she never thought she needed.
It's been a draining week, only to find the answer has always been the same.

To die young is a privilege,
they say you don't need a heart stop beating to be dead.

She throw questions at the night that used to be her pal.
Bravely chooses to stop believing.
She's a ticking bomb.
Pushing everyone away so they could be safe.

But someone is just to stubborn to leave.
It's up to you, i hate to hurt you but it's your choice.

-

Demons.
Even in her self assumed last seconds,
she still thinks about people she loves.
It stops her everytime.

I wish i were like those kids who played with toys instead of demons.
6 years old, didn't have a clue and ruined.

$3000 and useless.
Why do i love feeding myself illusions?

Everything is set that's why He stops listening.
I should've known this is not a coincidence.
It's a call to surrender.

I've been fighting for too long and ending this battle is more than a perfect choice.

The dancing smoke burns her eyes and she killed the fire with tears.
The dancing smoke takes her back to 2012.
The dancing smoke remains the one she lets to kill her slowly.

Elysium

I've had limes squeezed to my open wounds but still no pain compares to seeing you being vulnerable.

That's the day i vowed that i will cut myself open to see even the slightest smile on your face.

Deserving Arrogance

You call it bragging, i call it deserving arrogance.