Does happiness really exist or are we just pretending to be happy?
Just like water, no matter how hard you try to grab onto it, you'll always lose it. Thats how it is with moments.
Time travel doesn't exist. Because if it does, the future would be empty.
I... don't know.
I just have no idea of what's going on with me.
I am a complex creature, that's why i'm better off alone because i'll always end up confusing people.
I just, don't know.
Sometimes i wish i could just close my eyes and then woke up to a normal life.
I am not happy and i've been unhappy for so long that i've forgotten how does it feel like to be happy.
I am a good girl so i like to pretend to be happy so that people around me wouldn't worry about me. Pretending to be okay is something i've mastered since i can't remember.
No one can keep up with someone who has mental disorders. Both minor and or major.
But maybe i'm that good at acting despite being rejected in literally every casting i've gone to (lol) that some people actually fell into my trap and loved me. And i don't know how long it will take for them to actually realize that everything is a lie and they'll eventually end up being broken hearted.
I'm gonna be that person who sits in a station watching fast trains passing away. I'm gonna be the one who remains. I'm gonna be the reader to every beautiful story because i don't have any. But sometimes i am lucky enough to somehow be a part of that story eventhough surely i won't be in the first and last chapters.
Everytime i feel hurt i remember my enemies and realize that i haven't even talked to them since i can't remember and then i realize that it was me who hurt myself.
- my head feels so heavy, to be continued. (Or not)
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Thursday, November 30, 2017
Tuesday, November 28, 2017
Void
I don't know if it's my failed 4.5-year long distance relationship talking or just me missing my boyfriend so bad but long distance relationships are trash and won't work.
I've always believed that what goes around comes back around so i'm starting to think what did i do so bad that i deserve to have yet ANOTHER long distance relationship.
I know, i know i'm a bad person and surely have done a lot of filthy bad things but i really could think of other ways to punish me (i do, seriously, CEO of life, call me.)
But then again, maybe i've done some seriously bad things that pissed off the big guy.
The thing is.. people say that life is a dick and the only thing we can do is just to ride and fuck it (man i really wish it was that simple).
I mean, this isn't new. Exhibit A: right now im starring at this $3000 shit that's supposed to decrease the pain caused by the damage my parents did to me but guess what, almost one month in AND IT GAVE ME NOTHING BUT BRUISES. And don't get me started on how this thing makes it so hard to move and pee. My sleep deprivation is legendary and this shit is only making it worse. I'd woke up at 1am only to take it off because it's so uncomfortable to sleep in this and if i didn't remember how expensive this shit is i would throw it across my room. Not gonna lie i cried A LOT just thinking "i just wanna sleep like a normal person is that too much to ask?"
You know a lot of people look at me like i'm a heartless witch whenever i say that i don't want children, ever. But maybe that's because they have no idea of what it feels like to have your life ruined like this. They have no idea at all. And for god's sake putting more weight inside my body literally just painfully kills me slowly and i don't think i'll ever love someone that much to go through all that. And i mean i've had my share of pain FOR AN OUTSTANDING 10-YEAR (and still going).
You know that scene in How I Met Your Mother where Robin told Kevin that she didn't want children, ever and then Kevin unproposed? I've been preparing myself for that.
That's the thing, i shouldn't be in any relationship. Oh and i forgot to mention this, it's not just my health and physical condition. I HATE KIDS. I really do. They are annoying. Nuff said.
Anyway what was i talking about.
Bottom line, my life has been going like trash lately. It's like i don't even know where it's heading and if you guys are following me on Twitter you'd read a lot of tweets saying that i should end my life and im not even joking. Suicide thoughts and attempts has always been my shelter throughout my life. Thank god i was a coward and didn't actually kill myself lol
Anyway i've been thinking about going back to smoking despite what cigars to to my skin and teeth, at least for a good minute i forget how crappy my life is. But i've been spending a lot of money on skincare lately and i just dont want it to go to waste so yeah life's just gonna get crappier and crappier and it won't get better.
Oh you know how fidget toys are supposed to help anxiety disorders? Bought one in pink, which i thought gonna help me to commitedly use it. Annnnddd IT DOESN'T WORK.
Oh man sometimes i wish i were allergic to cold weather so that i would be sick and actually lose weight.
Everytime i look at myself in the mirror i see a mess. Not a beautiful mess, just a mess.
Are you ok? No of course i'm not you stupid dumbfuck.
If i were okay i wouldnt spend myself on this fucking 10-step Korean skincare and focus on what's actually important instead.
If i were okay i would go swimming at 12pm and get a nice tan and don't even give a goddamn fuck to care about being wrinkled and aged.
If i were okay i would eat right because i was always obssesed about healthy lifestyle which now i've been forgetting for a long time.
If i were okay my tears wouldn't be washing down my essence and serum right now.
If i were okay i would be glad that i'm only 4 hours away from my house and actually can go there every week.
If i were okay i would be so goddamn happy to see my bank account and realize that i actually get paid way more that people who maybe work harder than me even money has never really been an issue for me.
Money can't buy happiness but it can buy plane tickets for me to meet my happiness. For a while. But can it make you feel better? Yes. For a while. When that moment's gone, it's chaos all over again. Not a beautiful chaos, just chaos.
And if i think deeper about it, "what goes around comes back around" should've made life treated me like the queen of the world considering the SHIT I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH MY WHOLE LIFE.
Oh man i'm on my second memo because i just reached the character limit. Wow ever thought about how many people actually liked me until they saw my mental breakdown posts? Lol i scared them.
That's the thing with roses. Maybe roses actually dont want to have thorns. Maybe they just want to casually hang out with other flowers without hurting them. But you know, that's life. It can be bitchy sometimes. Dammit im gonna say it. Life is a bitch.
Okay i don't know if this is really my mental breakdown typing of that i actually just wanna procrastinating to study because i have a test tomorrow.
Lately i've been thinking.. what if the articles and the doctors i've been seeing are right. What if i would actually never go back to normal and will experience a lifetime backpain despite what this shit claimed to reduce. I just.. i dont think i could take it. I was a kid and as a kid you don't really concern about your body or how you look in clothes but now as i get older and do some modelling.. it matters. It really does.
I have the right to tell my parents to stay the fuck away from me and the things i'm doing because this wouldn't had happened if it wasnt for their negligence but i just don't want to hurt more people. So yeah, pouring my heart out into this site is the best thing to do.
Anyway what is up with depression? It used to make me skinny af but why am i not skinny right now? What the fuck is going on
Anyway im starting to feel dizzy maybe because of the crying and staring at my phone for a long time so yeah this is to answer the question "how's life?" no one actually asks me.
I've always believed that what goes around comes back around so i'm starting to think what did i do so bad that i deserve to have yet ANOTHER long distance relationship.
I know, i know i'm a bad person and surely have done a lot of filthy bad things but i really could think of other ways to punish me (i do, seriously, CEO of life, call me.)
But then again, maybe i've done some seriously bad things that pissed off the big guy.
The thing is.. people say that life is a dick and the only thing we can do is just to ride and fuck it (man i really wish it was that simple).
I mean, this isn't new. Exhibit A: right now im starring at this $3000 shit that's supposed to decrease the pain caused by the damage my parents did to me but guess what, almost one month in AND IT GAVE ME NOTHING BUT BRUISES. And don't get me started on how this thing makes it so hard to move and pee. My sleep deprivation is legendary and this shit is only making it worse. I'd woke up at 1am only to take it off because it's so uncomfortable to sleep in this and if i didn't remember how expensive this shit is i would throw it across my room. Not gonna lie i cried A LOT just thinking "i just wanna sleep like a normal person is that too much to ask?"
You know a lot of people look at me like i'm a heartless witch whenever i say that i don't want children, ever. But maybe that's because they have no idea of what it feels like to have your life ruined like this. They have no idea at all. And for god's sake putting more weight inside my body literally just painfully kills me slowly and i don't think i'll ever love someone that much to go through all that. And i mean i've had my share of pain FOR AN OUTSTANDING 10-YEAR (and still going).
You know that scene in How I Met Your Mother where Robin told Kevin that she didn't want children, ever and then Kevin unproposed? I've been preparing myself for that.
That's the thing, i shouldn't be in any relationship. Oh and i forgot to mention this, it's not just my health and physical condition. I HATE KIDS. I really do. They are annoying. Nuff said.
Anyway what was i talking about.
Bottom line, my life has been going like trash lately. It's like i don't even know where it's heading and if you guys are following me on Twitter you'd read a lot of tweets saying that i should end my life and im not even joking. Suicide thoughts and attempts has always been my shelter throughout my life. Thank god i was a coward and didn't actually kill myself lol
Anyway i've been thinking about going back to smoking despite what cigars to to my skin and teeth, at least for a good minute i forget how crappy my life is. But i've been spending a lot of money on skincare lately and i just dont want it to go to waste so yeah life's just gonna get crappier and crappier and it won't get better.
Oh you know how fidget toys are supposed to help anxiety disorders? Bought one in pink, which i thought gonna help me to commitedly use it. Annnnddd IT DOESN'T WORK.
Oh man sometimes i wish i were allergic to cold weather so that i would be sick and actually lose weight.
Everytime i look at myself in the mirror i see a mess. Not a beautiful mess, just a mess.
Are you ok? No of course i'm not you stupid dumbfuck.
If i were okay i wouldnt spend myself on this fucking 10-step Korean skincare and focus on what's actually important instead.
If i were okay i would go swimming at 12pm and get a nice tan and don't even give a goddamn fuck to care about being wrinkled and aged.
If i were okay i would eat right because i was always obssesed about healthy lifestyle which now i've been forgetting for a long time.
If i were okay my tears wouldn't be washing down my essence and serum right now.
If i were okay i would be glad that i'm only 4 hours away from my house and actually can go there every week.
If i were okay i would be so goddamn happy to see my bank account and realize that i actually get paid way more that people who maybe work harder than me even money has never really been an issue for me.
Money can't buy happiness but it can buy plane tickets for me to meet my happiness. For a while. But can it make you feel better? Yes. For a while. When that moment's gone, it's chaos all over again. Not a beautiful chaos, just chaos.
And if i think deeper about it, "what goes around comes back around" should've made life treated me like the queen of the world considering the SHIT I'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH MY WHOLE LIFE.
Oh man i'm on my second memo because i just reached the character limit. Wow ever thought about how many people actually liked me until they saw my mental breakdown posts? Lol i scared them.
That's the thing with roses. Maybe roses actually dont want to have thorns. Maybe they just want to casually hang out with other flowers without hurting them. But you know, that's life. It can be bitchy sometimes. Dammit im gonna say it. Life is a bitch.
Okay i don't know if this is really my mental breakdown typing of that i actually just wanna procrastinating to study because i have a test tomorrow.
Lately i've been thinking.. what if the articles and the doctors i've been seeing are right. What if i would actually never go back to normal and will experience a lifetime backpain despite what this shit claimed to reduce. I just.. i dont think i could take it. I was a kid and as a kid you don't really concern about your body or how you look in clothes but now as i get older and do some modelling.. it matters. It really does.
I have the right to tell my parents to stay the fuck away from me and the things i'm doing because this wouldn't had happened if it wasnt for their negligence but i just don't want to hurt more people. So yeah, pouring my heart out into this site is the best thing to do.
Anyway what is up with depression? It used to make me skinny af but why am i not skinny right now? What the fuck is going on
Anyway im starting to feel dizzy maybe because of the crying and staring at my phone for a long time so yeah this is to answer the question "how's life?" no one actually asks me.
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